© 1980-2005, Golden Raspberry Award Foundation and John Wilson

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by John Wilson

(Founder and Head RAZZberry of The RAZZIE Awards)

   You know there’s a screw loose somewhere in California’s political process when the current gubernatorial recall campaign (a.k.a. the biggest three-ring political circus since Barnum and Bailey) features three contenders for the state’s highest office whose past credentials include being RAZZIE Award nominees.


   Among those adding their names to what could end up being a 35-page recall ballot this fall are 1989 Worst Supporting Actress contender Angelyne and 1981 Worst Actor and Worst New Star nominee Gary Coleman.


   A 45 year-old “pin-up” girl who buys billboard ads all over L.A. touting her “talents,” Angelyne is actually one step down from the current cliché of “famous for being famous.” If she’s known at all outside RAZZIE circles, she could be called “semi-famous for being a wee-bit famous” – An ersatz Zsa Zsa Gabor, with even LESS talent than Gabor’s got. She has, however, got the best slightly off-color slogan of all the candidates filing so far: “California’s had enough Gray and Brown, now it’s time for pink!” If this election is destined to become a joke, it might as well become one with obvious surgical enhancements, in keeping with California’s image as The Plastic Surgery Capitol of the World.


   Also throwing his newsboy hat in the ring is former child star Coleman, who’s been mostly out of the limelight since the sit-com DIFF’RENT STROKES was cancelled in 1986. In 1999, he declared himself bankrupt, then told US Magazine that he was a 30-year-old virgin. Which led to him working as a security guard at a mini mall. Which led to his being accused of beating up a fan who came to the mini-mall to get his autograph. Which led to his appearing in an E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY about the tragedy that was his own life. Which led to his recent appearance on the cable “reality” show STAR DATES, trying to get a date with a “non-celebrity” (who hopefully hadn’t seen his 1999 virginity declaration).


   Only in as politically competitive a state as California could such sterling credentials as Angelyne’s and Coleman’s have gone un-rewarded by an informed electorate for so long. But topping the list of showbiz wannabes who now wanna be governor is multiply-RAZZIE-nominated  “actor” Arnold Schwarzenegger. Best known for playing hired assassins, vigilantes, murderous robots and the title role of CONAN THE BAVARIAN, “Ah-nuld” may actually have a chance at winning the governorship. Everyone in America (let alone California) had better be ready to get good-and-tired of wince-inducing wordplays on “Hasta la vista, baby,” “I’ll be back!” and “Total Recall.” And if he wins, he may be the first California governor ever to require English subtitles at all his press conferences.


   But anyone who enjoys a juicy supermarket read probably can’t wait to see what the tabloids dig up on THE LAST ACTION ZERO. One of the foremost reasons Schwarzenegger was said to be leaning against running was this very subject: How will Maria Shriver (who IS, after all, a Kennedy…kinda sorta) deal with seeing digitally enhanced photos of her hubby in the arms of everyone and anyone THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER (or better yet, THE GLOBE!) can think to pair him with? And, most importantly of all, will The Uber-nator accept when THE GLOBE’s prime political pundit Bat Boy offers him his endorsement, in exchange for Arnold confessing that he’s fathered a child with an alien?


  But pictorials revealing both his pectorals and his many reputed peccadilloes may not be The Terminator’s biggest drawback as a candidate. One of the longest running gags of the RAZZIES’ first 23 years has been the question of which is the bigger embarrassment: Being nominated for a RAZZIE…or not even “winning” one? I’m already wondering what happens when the media realize that, although nominated a record seven times, Arnold has never even been able to win a RAZZIE. This guy is supposed to be the savior of the Golden State GOP, yet he can’t even manage to win a Golden Raspberry Award after seven shots at one?


   So maybe everything will end up okay after all. Or maybe California’s term-limit laws will have to be what do in THE TERMINATOR. And maybe the RAZZIES should consider expanding its categories to include the committee that wrote California’s eminently Razz-able recall laws in the first place!


©2003, John Wilson and G.R.A.F.




01/05/2016 01:29:53
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