HOW TO MAKE A RAZZIE!

By Raleigh Welch

Not just anyone can make a Razzie-worthy film; it takes procrastination, bad instincts, and lots of poorly-calculated decisions. Hack directors don’t study for years - they just keep track of what’s popular now and do a poor imitation a couple of years down the line. They work their way down the ladder , finding more and more projects and franchises to bring to a grinding halt. These paint-by-number filmmakers can also make it to the top of their league and claim that $4.97 Razzie® Award and join the greats: Uwe Boll, M. Night Shyamalan, and—of course—Alan Smithee. There are lessons we can learn from these now award “winning” directors. Let’s breakdown some rules for a Razzie-worthy movie and compare it against its innovative predecessor. 

Hellboy (2019) stumbled into theaters this April, failing not only to make back its budget but to revive this dying franchise. So, how does a franchise go from hero to zero? Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to race to the bottom, or how to make a Razzie-worthy film in five easy steps:

1. Take out all the levity and enjoyment.
Movies are a gateway to a magical world. Audiences go to movies to get lost in that world. Razzie directors don’t give them the satisfaction. All the best Razzie movies know how to insult and annoy their audiences.
Hellboy (2019) gets this exactly right. The tone of its narration demonstrates that it knows how clichéd it is, but it’s not going to subvert this or make any interesting choices. “Don’t you see? The narrator is making fun of the opening with you!” It’s the cinematic equivalent of hiring someone to hang out in the seat next to you to laugh at just how dumb Hellboy is. “He’s a red guy jumping around fighting witches and vampires. That’s just so stupid. But hey, at least we get it, right?”

On the other hand - whether it’s The Shape of Water or Pan’s Labyrinth, Guillermo Del Toro (“original” director of Hellboy) has a way of not only bringing monsters to life, but also making them human. The stakes feel real in his films. Not until the end, when the credits roll, does he take you out of the film. His 2004 version of Hellboy runs on the same philosophy, as once the audience wades into the magical world they only get deeper and deeper into it. The main difference between the Hellboys is how seriously the directors take their worlds.

2. Characters should unreasonably hate each other.
Good characters don’t exist in a vacuum. If you’re worried you may have accidentally written a complex three-dimensional character, ask yourself: does this character enjoy the company of anyone else in my movie? If there answer is yes, change that. In the original Hellboy (2004), Hellboy has strong, developed relationships with the agents. He only insults others when he’s uncomfortable with change and, while childish, it’s understandable. Hellboy (2019) fixes this by having characters insult each other in a constant game of one-upsmanship. Hellboy insults professional wrestlers, his dad, fellow agents, and the audience for buying tickets to this all within the first 12 minutes. Remember, developed relationships lead to developed characters, the bane of any Razzie movie. And while we’re on that:

3. Supporting cast should never be developed.
Remember how most characters in the original Hellboy had arcs and their choice felts like they had real weight and consequence? We can’t have any of that. Take Hellboy’s father as a perfect example of a Razzie adaptation. In the original film, Professor Broom cares deeply for his son and believes that Hellboy is more man than monster. He’s fun but also clearly motivated. In the new and improved version, there’s little to no familiarity between Professor Broom and Hellboy. Broom doesn’t act fatherly and their relationship is more quips and insults than anything else. The best Razzie films only tell the audience that characters are related. They don’t bother showing it. That way at the climax of the film when the characters must face their pasts the audience can successfully feel nothing.

4: Exposition (let me tell you what’s going on here) should interrupt story whenever possible (more flashbacks!)
Hellboy (2004) opened at the closing of WW2, where Nazis plundered ancient ruins in a last- ditch effort to control the world through the supernatural. Every villain is introduced here, as well as Hellboy’s origin and the concept of Broom as a father figure as a set up. The film wraps this up and never has another flashback, focusing only on the characters dealing with their present situation.

A deadly mistake in any Razzie film.
There should always be more than one flashback, actually as many flashbacks as possible. Razzie directors cut back to them whenever they can, interrupting the pace of the story. They don’t trust whatever audience is left to understand what the hell is going on. Hellboy (2019) does this to a T. Most of the first act is made of flashback sequences. It’s a shame they didn’t just flashback to the first film.

5. Recycle everything and add nothing.
When adapting a franchise, the primary audience will be those most familiar with the property. They’ve most likely seen Hellboy (2004). They’ve might’ve even read the comics. They’re familiar enough with the story and they’re excited for some surprises and changes to revive the franchise.
A Razzie director will shock them by telling the same story but worse.
Professor Broom, an apocalyptic prophecy, an ultimate choice between good and evil—themes of nature vs. nurture and free will. Hellboy (2019) and Hellboy (2004) sound awfully similar, don’t they? On top of all this, a good Razzie director will invoke the imagery of better, previous movies without understanding why that imagery worked in the first place. Lots of Hellboy (2019) is built on the back of the version from 2004. It wants you to have seen it, but also not to compare it. The best Razzie directors want to have their cake and eat it too.
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A final note to any auteur looking to make a Razzie-winning film: read as little as possible. In fact, if you’ve finished this article, it’s probably already too late for you.